What they don’t tell ya.

There has been a particular topic I think everyone talks about behind closed doors, but no one ever opens it up for a big discussion.

I am in the wedding industry. I see at least 30 couples a year on their wedding day, and maybe 20 new couples for their engagements. I see anniversary dances at every reception. I see couples fight and bicker. I see couples check out other people separately. I see it all.

Overall, I am at weddings, and I photograph engagement sessions to get a job done. Right? Right. That doesn’t mean I am not paying attention though.

Let me give you a – as non-invasive personal discussion – as I can.
I grew up oober Christian. That has changed quite a bit… I would say I am more close to atheist as I can get. Which is a sentence I would have never imagined framing 5 or even 2 years ago… but the more educated I am… the more I feel that part of me fading out.
It’s not that the world is so full of right and wrong or science that has led me to believe this, I guess it’s more so the organized religion of hypocrisy that I saw throughout my youth that exploded in my face as I got older.
It isn’t even that I think thinks are so simple that they may be reduced to chemicals, because I  am not sold on that either. I don’t think we were made with a ‘purpose’ because we deem animals as pointless or.. we say they were ‘made for us’, but look at me, surviving and shit.. without eating them.
Anyways, I grew up super religious. With this comes the teaching of sin and what sin is. With sin comes impurity. With impurity comes having sex before you are marriage, infidelity, etc etc.
Still to this day I would say that is relevant and has impacted me dramatically. Porn is a no go – however, today, porn is a no go for me for the facts about it. Most people produce it with sex-trafficked victims. Most models or ‘actresses’ don’t really want it up the ass and have to do it because the producer said so. Mostly, I am against it for the commercialized and glorified versions of it. Not really just because we are the only species in the world that feels it’s necessary to watch other people doing it to get ourselves off (which is such an odd thing to think about).
However, before this, I was against it for the obvious objectification of women or men in it, but also because I was insecure with myself.
My husband definitely ate that insecurity. To an extreme version I would say.

Why am I telling you this stuff?
In fact, this is my artist website now, so technically my thoughts should be vague, but on another level, why?
People either like my work or they don’t.
The more I dive deep into body image concepts, the more I am okay with myself.
I don’t know why.
I don’t know how.
But learning about Vanessa Beecroft’s problems with anorexic disorders, or watching and hearing Heather Cassils ideas on bodies, has really put me at peace with my own judgmental thoughts about myself. However, body image has such a hard pull on me. In fact, I ended school Tuesday and ate a good amount of vegan pizza with my husband that night. Since then I haven’t touched bread and I’ve been only eating veggies and protein, because I looked in the mirror and saw nothing but fat.
That blows.

Back to the idea.
I grew up Christian, I hate my body, my husband doesn’t look at porn and knows i will leave if he does.
That’s the bold truth.
Those are things that I probably wont tell you if I complain about something he is doing ‘wrong’ in my eyes correct?

What else can I tell you about me?

I’m OCD. Not the cleanliness type. Not the photographic type. My work is loose, and relaxed. As a photographer, I go with the flow and I lack opinions besides what will produce the best image. There are dust bunnies in my basement I’m sure. I rarely dust. I let laundry pile up.
But my photographs are  as organized as they can be, my planner is planned each day by the hour, I rewrite lists over and over, I am the accountant between Josh and I. I can’t watch a movie without thinking about what I have to do the next day, or.. in general, most of the times I leave to do something in the middle.
I put my work first, and my husband feels that pretty heavily.
Currently I teach, work at a gym, work out daily, photograph weddings and engagements, edit, and have other odds and ends jobs. My husband comes last in all of that, but that’s a bit temporary, but that’s also because I don’t rely on people to make me happy.
I’ve been let down in so many ways from people, that I don’t rely on ANY person for my happiness or well being.
I can’t.
I’m tired of being let down, so I pick myself up and stay busy.
Because if you lose a person, but have your worked hard for worth, then you barely lose anything.

Again, not something I would say while saying, “he always leaves the chair out from the table in the morning.”

So here’s a long ramble.. what does it mean?

If you are going through a hard time with your ‘other,’ maybe they are a piece of shit. . . maybe you are not getting treated the way you want. . . maybe you moved into it too fast?
maybe you haven’t confronted feelings, maybe it’s really them going through something they haven’t communicated, maybe you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain too?

I know I am a hard person to live with. I have particular ticks that send me off. I am emotional. . . in a way of empathy. I can’t handle much on the abusive level, whether its yelling directed at me, or a movie I see about an animal online.
I am aware of my faults, so when I am mad at my husbands, I remember that push and pull .

Marriage is not an easy thing.
It isn’t a fairy tale wedding and a happily ever after like we are told.
It’s friggen work.
A LOT of work.

I’ve been with my husband for almost 10 years now.
I think year 5 was our worst, year 6 was progress, 7 was our best, and honestly since then we’ve been pretty smooth sailing.
Going to grad school is hard, especially art school because your mind is getting bombarded with all of these theories that you have never REALLY taken in. So that changes people… and my husband doesn’t see those theories, doesn’t hear different opinions about the topic and doesn’t experience those realities.
Something about marriage; everything is based on experience and exposure.
Example: [white] people in small communities may say racism doesn’t exist any more.
is it because they are racist?
is it because they are white?
but it’s also because they aren’t exposed to it.
they don’t see it daily.
they are confined in their safe bubble.

That doesn’t mean they are for it, that means they don’t see it often, if at all, and therefore they don’t think it exists, and if it does, it is minimal.

Marriage is obviously, not speaking on that same level, but it is similar. Think about it. If you have trust issues, why do you have those trust issues? You probably have been hurt before correct?
So if you haven’t been hurt like that before, you probably will go into a relationship slightly naive and think, “THIS IS GONNA BE THE ONE I LOVE AND MARRY.”
and then you cry when you find them texting some other person.
Blind faith.

The point is, no one is perfect. No relationship is perfect.
forget those shitty lying instagram that make everything look like a 70s polaroid in bliss. It doesn’t exist. It’s hard to live with someone for 50 plus years. It’s hard to be in the same circumference  as someone for 2 days. Commitment is in fact, hard.
But it takes two to tango. Two to compromise.

However, if your ‘other’ is constantly tearing you down, controlling you, or being abusive, that isn’t something to stand for.
I was in an abusive relationship for a short period of time, and I will tell you, controlling is typically a problem that stems from them, and their faults, not yours.
Particularly if they are concerned about your trustworthiness, then that may mean, they aren’t that trustworthy.

But perfect isn’t attainable. Discussion is.
Sit down and figure out your faults and your strengths and what you need to work on.
Work on. Don’t give up.

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