Tw//Ed post For 2-3 months now I’ve eaten enough for the day, meaning more than 1000 calories; aiming for 1600. I’ve done it almost every day while still feeling guilty or fearful, but I’ve accomplished it. I’ve done yoga daily and lifted about 4 times a week with isolated muscle groups. I’ve had days where I’ve done just gentle yoga and given my body a rest from stress.
Before when I looked In the mirror I’d see someone two times their size and sometimes that’s still true (dysmorphia is real and it’s not just a small “I look big” phase once in awhile, it’s a serious brain issue and behavior) but now I have something entirely different. Going through recovery I’ve hit this, I FEEL bigger, I FEEL uncomfortable, I FEEL like I have extra skin, and I do in some areas of my body, but when I look in the mirror… I’m surprised. When i take a photo or someone takes one of me… I’m surprised.
I really challenge the slam on selfies, because for me.. it’s how I actually show myself my mental change, it’s how I show myself my actual representation that lives beyond my tainted mind. I used to be someone who didn’t understand selfie culture, but the truth is, being blinded by your mind is a real thing, and sometimes these photographs allow the people we love to hold us accountable.
I have a friend group I text with my every desire to starve, purge, withhold or whatever. They are there for me to dial me in, keep me focused and encourage me whether I want it to not for that moment. I’ve made it so far in this recovery and it’s so interesting to see the way my mind is altering and growing. This is the last month I will be in my 20s, and a part of me is freaking out, yet there is another part of me that is in full acceptance. Idk that’s all I got for you for now. I have to make a self portrait this weekend, and I’ll expend more thoughts when I do that.