Relapse and Overcoming

portrait 14/52

I planned on starving this week.

Over the weekend, being in the most vegan-junk-food available city: portland, I ate more than usual. Now when I say this I don’t mean I over-ate, I mean that simply I ate more than my body is used to, and what would be probably normal to most human beings. My typical food in a day consists of a protein shake with fruit, a small lunch that either is a salad with protein or another shake with veggies, and then dinner which is pretty much anything from cauliflower pasta, to homemade cheesy [veg] breadsticks. Occasionally I bake and make a smaller dessert to give out as well as to have a little bit of, and I usually end my day with Tea. So, this past weekend, I ate more than that.

Even in the more ‘junk food’ category, Josh and I pretty much split a lot of meals. But the guilt, the feeling of being uncomfortable and doubt all really just rushed back. In my calendar I had planned when I was going to just have a shake and coffee, and when I was going to actually consume food. I relapsed temporarily. When we landed home on Monday I had one hundred percent committed to not eating for the week.

When I woke up on Tuesday I looked at my ‘to do’ list in my calendar and said, “absolutely not. we are not doing this again.” I realized a few things in that moment. 1. I was being reactionary to what I have always done. Go on a trip, eat a normal amount of food without going to the gym, feeling like I don’t deserve that food without a ton of sweating movement, and pay for it for the following weeks. 2. Not eating for a week wont change my body composition, just like eating a few good meals over the weekend won’t make me gain a ton of weight that I can’t reverse. 3. If I am in this for recovery I have to be in it for the long haul and absolutely change my behaviors.

So this week, I cooked for my friends, I ate more than usual, I rejected my knee-jerk typical reactions that would have caused my relapse – back into starvation.

I had mentioned on here before that I unfollowed a ton of accounts that perpetuated things that were not attainable. Bodies that were all positioned in specific ways to lead the followers to believe they are perfect at all angles, all hours of the day. That has to be the best decision I’ve made of this journey. I started to follow REAL people dismantling these ideas, showing that posing and positions were just that – not real, and I cannot explain how much this has helped my journey. I spoke about this all to my therapist today – it was an emotional session between the discussion of grief and ED – and we had originally planned on investigating in my feelings of abandonment, but that got put on pause for this week’s challenges of depression, guilt and overcoming of body image.

This month is my golden birthday. I’ve been looking forward to it since I was 12 to be honest – not of the age – but I guess of the idea. I think these ED thoughts are louder specifically this month because of my age change soon to be. I have a lot of thoughts in my head. Some I will voice later but I’m just not ready to write about them just yet.

Today I was flipping through fairly old posts on my fitness instagram and was thinking about how we only get to be in this body once. Thinking about all of the time I cut myself down at 22, 24, 28, without realizing just how much I was working out, eating strict, and honestly how strong I was. I never took the time to just.. enjoy my progress- always wanted to be thinner, stronger, more toned, more … societally beautiful. I looked at myself and thought – in one year you are going to look back on the posts you are making today and you are going to think you are as beautiful as you were in all of those other years – so act like that today.

We do not need to change our bodies, society needs to change its views of women’s bodies.

Yesterday I wore a crop top all day, I wore open sided sweatpants and to be honest I felt confident and strong all day. I woke up and did my yoga challenge session [14/30 for the month], I edited my wedding work, I went back downstairs and did a 45 min lifting session focused on back and chest, 15-20 min elliptical and then another hour vinyasa yoga session following that. That’s SO much activity. I looked at myself and was like, your body let you do all of this movement today – be thankful for her.

Today when I woke up I felt the opposite about myself. After therapy I started to feel a bit better. I was asked to think about my short and long term consequences of relapsing. That got me thinking quite a bit. If I give in to my behavior knee-jerks now – just like OCD – it will stunt the growth of my progress in the future. More than anything I want to set a good example for my nieces. I want them to know that societal definitions of the body of a woman are not true. That it’s okay to have fat on you. It’s okay to be gay. It’s okay to be non-binary or trans. It’s okay to be comfortable and not want to change your body to adapt to their fucked up idea of beautiful.

I was triggered today by a post from someone telling others how to pose their body in instagram posts to make their body seem ‘thinner’ or ‘more flattering’. I guess it bothered me because some posts from the same person are about self – love, and self – appreciation, but I just .. I dont think you can put both content out there. If you want to be about self love you have to be all in. Everyone has their battles but maybe the idea of addressing why we feel the need to pose to be ‘thinner’ in a post would be more successful rather than projecting it onto a platform of how to do it – because in the end both posts say the same thing, “I am feeling insecure today, and I need to feel like I look better,” and the better and more healthy way of addressing it, is to ask, “why?’

I’ve always been someone who never lets a compliment stay in their head. I am always aiming to uplift one another, but more than anything, the passing of my cousin has really pushed this further for me. I want to promote self love and mean it. I want people who follow me to find comfort in my posts, content and struggles. I want to really embody the person who has and is struggling but taking it, manifesting in it, and spitting out the idea of overcoming societal notions and norms.

I am going to see a few friends right now, I am wearing a crop top and not allowing myself to change.
I am going to a warmer client with my family this weekend – I think the idea of me restricting my diet was out of the fear of my family seeing me weighing just a bit more than usual, and their ideas of me. I was scared to put on a swimsuit in front of them for the fear they would see my body as a failure, and all of this being heightened because I’m gaining another number to my years this month. But I packed my one-pieces – I packed my crop tops – I packed the clothes I love. I am not even bringing a two piece because I know my mind will fixate on the uncomfortable – and I just cant do that to myself this time in my life – not for my emotional state with my family loss and not with my recovery. I’m not even giving myself a chance to tear myself down. So I am playing it safe and wearing the suits that I know will make me feel more confident.

I have a few really … more creative self portraits in my mind – but this week I’m not going to lie – Im just so damn tapped out.

Wear the crop top, gals.

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