I often think about myself in high school. The person completely terrified of going anywhere without make up because of their skin, the person who cried when they went to the dentist because my foundation would get messed up, the person who was secretly starving herself in private and binge eating in public to mask it all, the person who thought their lowest point would mean that they carried extra weight.
I’ve seen many people post lately that they hit a ‘low’ point because they are carrying a bit more weight on them. Read that sentence 4 times. Isn’t this absurd we’ve linked our value to an extra 10, 20, 50, pounds? Absurd. A low point in life may be getting evicted, losing something big, becoming addicted to the point of non-function to a substance or dependent on alcohol just to cope with hard events [not shaming any of these things but compare these big life changing events to gaining 10 pounds.. there is no comparison], yet we think, oh, I don’t fit into the clothes I bought 4 years ago, I must be a failure. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
Today I want to encourage a bit – in a positive way that I have seen myself change throughout therapy and this self-seeking love journey. 1. When I look in the mirror I sometimes forget to put on make up. I have become that comfortable with myself that I forget sometimes that I like having darker brows [was my greatest insecurity because my hair is this mousey blonde color and I have .. not much eyebrow hair at all], or mascara. I forget that I have acne still at the age of 30 [lol] unless its around PMS time. I used to hate my hair color – still I dye it for fun, but I no longer mask it in black and dark brown dyes unless my stylist wants to play – I do it out of art, not of insecurity. 2. When I am laying by the pool, although maybe uncomfortable I had this crazy realization of, everyone literally knows what my body looks like, so why hide it? One piece, two piece, cover, jeans, there is no hiding our bodies, so why do we feel the need to ‘cover it up,’ like it needs to be covered? We don’t. Although I am still changing this action and behavior, this wake up call in my mind is huge.
So here is a photo – un edited [besides I took out a plant], showing my scars, my large pores, my undone face and hair. I just took a 2 mile walk. I’m sweaty. But If I keep preaching to you all that you need to start seeking self love- well I need to lead by example.
I started to do a 30 day journey mental and physical on my instagram. It took me a long time to figure out how to balance eating well, and working out – because I DO love it, while also understanding that gaining or losing weight and it being linked to value is a society made up thing. It took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t just this or that. You can work out because you love it, you can work out because it feels good, but it’s important to not find guilt when you don’t, and not to think you have failed because as you age your weight changes. As we age our clothes will change, our faces will droop, our guts will change. We need to learn to adapt and love rather than to criticize and shame. So here I am – telling you that you can love fitness because you love your body, not because it needs to be punished. If you would like to challenge yourself mentally and physically I have a 30 day journey posted on my instagram [highlighted on @paigefitnessveg or @paigelykuyo or posted just daily on @apaigephotography]. If you dont do the physical aspect, please just do the mental. It’s time we do the work, friends.