The facade of Acceptance

Two weeks ago I was in Montana, Wyoming and Utah for a week. My IBS really flared up, and I didn’t have my hypothyroidism pills because I forgot to fill them before my trip. I spent every day hiking 13-15 miles, eating a cup oatmeal for breakfast, a small pb&j for a mid-hike snack, vegan jerky, and usually a salad or healthy snacks for dinner. My IBS and other issues I have going on became intolerable. When I got home I finally took my body seriously and ordered some tests for my IBS to determine what really made me feel like I was dying inside.

This past week I have been eating clean. No breads, wheats, alcohol, and got rid of processed sugar and other foods that a book I have bought told me to watch out for. [Vegan and low fodmap] So far I have felt a ton better. No bloating, only pain a few times when I was doing tests to rule out foods [I have learned watermelon and fries are an absolute NO, and in modification garbanzo beans are ok]. So basically this week I have been eating fruits, veggies, small amounts of tofu, protein shakes, tortilla chips, tea and coffee. All of those things seem to be okay. Last night I had my first glass of wine and didn’t get sick from it, so that’s cool.

I haven’t weighed myself all week. I told myself to make boundaries while doing this low fodmap diet because its extremely close to the body builder diet I was on. This time however I am not allowing myself to count calories or macros. If I do that, I know the fixation will set in of ‘progress’ and I will begin to weigh myself everyday and take photos of my stomach every single morning. Can’t do it. Won’t do it. However, this morning, just out of curiosity I weighed myself. Maybe its bloating from last night’s wine, maybe it’s just my body but after eating clean for a week I gained 4 pounds.

I have to be careful not to fixate on this, or start stripping away all of my foods or even my once-in-awhile glass of wine. I like weighing in once in awhile just to monitor my hypothyroidism but damn when that number goes up with no explanation it’s pretty hard to cope with. So today isn’t a good day. I created these images for today with the idea of being free but I still feel like I am in shackles. Not only to my mind but to my body. It doesn’t do what it’s supposed to – but I guess through all of this I have gained a far better understanding and compassionate viewpoint on other people’s bodies and really have understood that weight has zero reflection of how a body can move.

If anything these last two weeks I have learned that using ‘fat’ as a bash on someone is lame is outdated, that just because a body presents itself as larger does not mean that it can not do a 15 mile hike [not discussing mine but others], and that some people who weigh 2 times as much as me are still far better at yoga than I will ever be. Weight does not say anything about anyone – in fact it’s the most boring thing about people.

So no. I’m not free. But I am freeing others, for now.

I look at these photos now and despise some aspects of them. But just like every year, in the future, I’ll look back and say, “look at your heart growing, look at your legs, appreciate it all now, it’ll be gone in a blink of an eye.” [life].

4 steps forward, 3 steps back. Still a step forward.

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