We made it friends. We made it to 2022. It’s so weird saying that because most of us feel like we are stuck in 2020 .
[Help, I’m still at the restaurant
Still sitting in a corner I haunt]
So much has happened for me this last year. I addressed my eating disorder [the reason I started this project], I traveled for work quite a bit, though I felt guilty about it because of the pandemic but I was safe, and life has to go on. We bought a brand spankin’ new house, I challenged myself to do things I normally hated [yoga being one of them, lol]. I sought out therapy, I had many many breakdowns but over all I’m ending this year strong. The previous two weeks were some of my all time lowest moments – but Josh and I fled the state for a week, and I didn’t edit or pick up my camera once. Who knew that taking less on would mean your brain had a moment to cope, feel, ease, and find relief [I’m being sarcastic, we all know this].
For those of you who read my mind jumbles, thank you. I always start this blog with a goal, and then I get side-tracked and lose it- but I eventually find my way back. Today I was looking through old photographs of my past body. I think this week it actually clicked for me that my 30 year old goals, for this decade, should not be the same as my 20 year old goals. My body technically is changing in ways it would be getting ready to ‘bear children,’ which means many things change for a woman. I am not having children in my future, but the changes come whether I lean into those changes or not. I always love using TikTok as a way to speak positively, but the positive stuff doesn’t really go viral. The algorithms love drama, love ‘hot people’ content, love funny people, and I am none of those things [lol]. So I’ll place my video below so you can see my reflection for the day.
I watched the movie “to the bone,” and it was really good, really triggering. I guess the only problem for me were these inpatients and their stereotyped portrayals. The binge eater was stereotypically overweight and all the others were super thin who were anorexic. This idea that only these extremes exist is the reason why many people never get diagnosed.
People get rewarded when they lose weight, they look healthy but in secret they are counting every calorie, starving while no one is home, not eating unless its 2g or less fat, and the days they binge with their friends, they are serving punishment in the following days. I guess that was my only problem with it. It took me 18 years to finally realize I was anorexic. Maybe I didn’t LOOK the part because of all of my health issues, but I only was eating 400-800 calories really, depending on the day and who I was around. Vacations I would eat with everyone else, but the following 2 weeks I would restrict as much as I could and would try to run 5-10 miles a day while not eating.
If you have followed me during this year, you know all of this, so I won’t continue on like a broken record. It’s just important that we address that thyroid and health limitations blind us from those around us who are aching, starving, and punishing themselves.
My new goals for my next ten years are this: find what is causing me to be sick and find relief.
About 2 years ago I bought these greens that you drink with water in the morning. Originally I bought them for weight loss and didn’t see any change. Because of that I discontinued them, however since then my body has gotten a bit more intolerable with digestion. Over the last three weeks I have had to significantly cut my portions if I am consuming any type of processed food or food with oil. If I am not eating and cutting portions [so I don’t die lol], I am eating raw and simple foods. That seemed to have help quite a bit – but I also returned to TRYING the greens [which have digestive enzymes in them] in the morning on an empty stomach prior to eating for the day. I can’t say they have helped or solved my issues but they definitely haven’t hurt any thing. This is the goal shift. Instead of looking for weight loss, I am looking for relief, control of my body, and ways to not be bloated or feel uncomfortable.
My digestive system has always been intolerable. However, as I get older it is most certainly getting worse. My mom was recently diagnosed with Mast Cell Disease. It’s an auto immune disease. She always had a problem with eating, digestion, weight gain even when she was active, and more so she is allergic to everything she breathes in and touches. Because of her severity I didn’t think I could have it, because since going vegan I have had zero sinus issues, and I am not allergic to many topical things. However, I guess it presents differently for everyone, and some people have just tummy issues while others have it all. I DID use to get 2-3 sinus infections a year growing up prior to going vegan [I honestly stayed vegan because of all of these benefits], and I used to get the flu 2 times a year too, until going vegan. If I DO get the flu now, its mostly because I stretch myself thin and end up crashing the moment I have a second to pause and take a break. That happened to me the MOMENT I graduated grad school [lol] I got two different types of flu’s in the same month – but it hasn’t happened since. I didn’t think I should even see if I had her disease because of these things, however recently spinach, beans a lot of grains have really been affected me, and it’s specific things that aren’t apart of the IBS ‘guest list’ [lol] that have been affecting me – meaning, maybe I don’t have hypo or IBS at all, maybe its just mast cell disease presenting in these ways?
I tell you that long story because on the 4th I am going to an allergist to get tested for 2 hours to see if I also have this condition. The good news is I would feel less crazy knowing that I have it, the bad news is it’s all just dealt with through diet. It’s an auto immune so – no special pill to help, no solution, just cutting of more food. I always used my eating disorder as a way to cope, have control, and honestly just maintain my weight. I never used it because I wanted to be a toothpick, but I felt [and its true] that the moment I enjoyed my food as a normal “American” I would gain weight, and to an extent, that is very true. I can’t eat the way others do, and although it sucks, it is what it is. However, I am still trying not to count every calorie I put in my mouth, but I still have not untrained my brain from that. I have, however, gotten over some of the guilt that used to live in my head. Once in awhile I deal with it, but I’m not sure that ever goes away.
The last 3 weeks I have had more energy while doing less work for my business, and have actually had the motivation to push myself in our home gym. I have been lifting heavy, 6 times a week, and have had energy to be active. It took a year being away from the gym, doing yoga, doing small movements for my head to be ready for this again. Progress is not linear, it’s so wild.
So now I am mentally ready to do this, but the healthy way. Jan 2- josh and I will be doing whole foods, healthy meals, no processed junk, and I am doing my 4 day work out week along with Adrienne’s 30 day MOVE yoga challenge. I will be teaching again starting the 2nd week of January as well as doing my own fine art projects, which will be focused around grief. So look out for those for sure. . . they are going to be really heavy but also beautiful.
Any ways this January I am starting off the month / year with only self serving things and I love that for me [lol]. The projects will obviously speak to others, but I am doing them for my own creative outlet to pursue my passion for why I came to this profession in the first place.
I hope all of you have a good new year, and remember every year is not meant to just ‘start over.’ You don’t have to create a goal, you don’t have to seek to be better this year, honestly with how chaotic this world has been, I just hope you seek peace for yourself, find the things that give you joy, make you laugh, and most of all – make you happy you are alive. ❤