When you constantly speak to the masses about growth, trial and error, and your own journey – you get caught up in this performative ‘look I’m growing’ style of speaking. The truth is, you are allowed to have bad days. Not everything you post has to be inspirational. Not everything has to be discussing your growth, because your growth also comes with days that are far too much for you to bear.
When I took my self portrait [the cat dress photo], I had a good week. My weight was holding steady [I know this is redundant to add but as someone recovering from an ED this is … really relevant], I had therapy and she told me to take time to bake [lol she knows I do it for therapy], and I was going to a students wedding that day. I did injure my wrist somehow on Friday and wasn’t sure how. I wanted to journal some stuff but I can’t really write at the moment either, so I have turned to this journal for the week [something a bit less private but … it’s okay]. So let me just start from the top about this past week and why and how I am falling apart at the seams.
Last Friday I grabbed my camera and immediately had sharp pains in my wrist. I thought ‘oh no’ lol, here comes all the overuse in one grab. I made it through my event and iced my wrist when I got home. It was visibly swollen but I thought for sure it was a wrist issue, from photographing, so I took the day away from my camera [on saturday] and iced it a ton. I couldn’t even edit on Sunday it was so painful, but I did have a session at night. From icing literally all day, and resting it, when I put on a brace for my session it felt pretty bearable. My mind is actually really good at ignoring my discomfort while photographing or doing my job. I’ve [sadly] shot weddings while I was very nauseous, while I was going to pee my pants, and while I was incredibly sick [while letting the bride and groom know and gave them an out for me to hire someone else but they said no], and each time I have ignored my own pain and almost forgot about it until I was done for the day. So when I got home, my pain said hello, and I went to bed [lol].
Tuesday I got an appt virtually with a doctor and within minutes he knew what I had. Apparently he has it too, and it’s pretty much a life-long condition for those of us continuing our work – as long as we are using the same motions. I have an inflamed tendon sheath- so the brace I have to wear restricts my THUMB movement that causes my tendon to flare up. I am on steroids this week and after this week will have to baby my wrist and thumb and wear this brace for the next few months specifically – but probably should after this too. So that’s pretty frustrating.
Since I got home from my trip, I felt pretty good. I’ve been running 2 miles almost every day, weightlifting 3-4 times a week and metabolic training 2-3 times a week. Even with this, I still just keep gaining weight. I am probably at my heaviest, while eating for IBS, while working out. As someone who preaches and advocates for self love and ‘fucking the system’ by accepting that weight is the least important thing about us, this still hurts me deeply. This morning I cried about it twice. I also fell down my hill while doing yard work and landed on my wrist and that made me cry an additional 2 more times.
I’m blogging about this today because this week is my step back week. I am eyes deep in work – while people keep messaging me about ‘last minute’ shoots that I physically cannot take on. I’m at war with my hypothyroidism and also my own growth passed my eating disorder. I had a REALLY WEIRD ENCOUNTER and weekend two weeks ago with some invading questions by a loved one that really set me off, and to be honest everything just feels out of my control this week.
So – in all of this here is my projection onto you with what I need to tell myself [lol]
It’s ok to have bad days. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to not post inspirational shit all of the time. It’s okay to admit that even when we are growing we are hurting or do hurt sometimes. It’s all okay.
Not every week is going to be great. Not every day is going to provide growth. Somedays you just need to say, fuck the world, and try again tomorrow.
Hope your week is going better than mine, friends.
I know that some of my loved ones are enduring even harder weeks than I am, and that keeps me in check and also in sadness for them. It doesn’t invalidate my trials, but it does keep me in check.
Anyways, buy a cat dress or something that makes you full of joy.